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your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes. Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better. Couples often ignore each other's emotional Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice. needs out of mindlessness, not malice. The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage's stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn't take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship, Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two- 83 week Bahamas getaway.The following exercises will also help you make turning toward each other an easy, natural part of your lives together. Exercise 1: Keep Emotional bank account Keeping an account in your head of how much you're connecting with your spouse emotionally in little ways can greatly benefit your marriage. But for some couples the concept works best if they make their emotional bank account "real."You can do this by drawing a simple ledger and giving yourself one point each time you've turned toward your spouse during the course of the day. You probably wouldn't want to document every encouraging nod you gave while your spouse was talking. But you would include entries for such events as "Called J at work to see how meeting went" and "Took his van to car wash." Be careful not to turn this into a competition or a quid pro quo where you track each other's account "balance" and keep tabs on who has done what for whom. That approach defeats the purpose of this exercise. The goal is to focus on what you can do to improve your marriage--not on what your spouse should be doing but isn't. That means, for example, trying to turn toward your spouse even when you feel he or she is being difficult or hostile. You can tally your daily or weekly balance by adding up your deposits and subtracting any withdrawals ("Forgot to get film for M's camera," "Was late getting home"). For this exercise to work it's important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself when you are negligent and turn away from your spouse. The more in the black your account is, the more likely you are to see your marriage improve. Don't be surprised if positive changes don't occur overnight, however. If you've gotten out of the habit of turning toward each other, it may take some time to see the benefits of this exercise. One of the challenges is to notice when your partner does turn toward you and vice versa. In one research study in which couples were closely observed in their own homes, happily married couples noticed almost all of the positive things the researchers 84 observed their partners do for them. However, unhappily married couples underestimated their partners' loving intentions by 50 percent! Although you don't want your ledgers to become the focus of a competition, it makes sense to get each other's input about which areas of your lives could benefit most from more emotional connection. That way you can focus your efforts on where they'll have the greatest impact. Below is a long list of activities that some couples do together--everything from washing dishes to going bowling. Choose the three that you most wish your partner would do with you. You can also circle an item if you and your spouse already do it jointly but you wish you did so more frequently or that your spouse was more "there" emotionally during the activity. For example, if you currently read the newspaper together every morning but wish your spouse would discuss the news with you more instead of just reading silently, you can circle that item. 1. Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went. 2. Shop for groceries. Make up the shopping list. 3. Cook dinner, bake. 4. Clean house, do laundry. 5. Shop together for gifts or clothes (for self, kids, or friends), 6. Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner, or to your favorite haunt or bar. 7. Read the morning paper together. 8. Help each other with a self-improvement plan (e.g." a new class, weight loss, exercise, a new career). 9. Plan and host a dinner party. 10. Call and or think about each other during the workday. 11. Stay overnight at a romantic hideaway. 12. Eat breakfast together during the work week. 13. Go to a church, mosque, or synagogue together. 14. Do yard work, shovel the walk, do home repairs, car maintenance, and washing. 15. Perform committee work in the community (e.g." volunteering). 16. Exercise together. 17. Go on weekend outings (e.g." picnic, drives). 18. Spend "everyday" time with kids-bedtimes, baths, homework. 19. Take the kids on outings (e.g." zoo, museum, dinner). 85 20. Attend school functions (e.g." teacher conferences), 21. Stay in touch with/ spend time with kin (parents, in-laws, siblings). 22. Entertain out-of-town guests. 23. Travel together (plane, bus, train, car), 24. Watch TV or videos. 25. Order take out. 26. Double-date with friends. 27. Attend sporting events. 28. Engage in a favorite activity (e.g." bowl, go to amusement park, bicycle, hike, jog, horseback ride, camp, canoe, sail, water-ski, swim). 29. Talk or read together by an open fire. 30. Listen to music, 31. Go dancing or attend a concert, nightclub, jazz club, or theater. 32. Host your child's birthday party. 33. Take your child to lessons. 34. Attend your child's sporting events or performance (recital, play, etc.). 35. Pay bills. 36. Write letters or cards. 37. Deal with family medical events (take kids to the doctor, dentist, or emergency room). 38. Work at home, but still be together in some way. 39. Go to a community event (e.g." church auction). 40. Go to a party. 41. Drive to or from work together. 42. Celebrate milestones in your children's lives (confirmation, graduation). 43. Celebrate other milestones in your lives (e.g." promotion, retirement). 44. Play computer games, surf the Internet. 45. Supervise your children's play dates. 46. Plan vacations. 47. Plan your future together. Dream. 48. Walk the dog. 49. Read out loud together, 50. Play a board game or a card game. 51. Put on plays or skits together, do errands together on a weekend. 86 53. Engage in hobbies; e.g." painting, sculpting, making music. 54. Talk over drinks (alcohol, coffee, or tea). 55. Find time to just talk without interruptions--find time for spouse to really listen to you. 56. Philosophize. 57. Gossip (talk about other people). 58. Attend a funeral. 59. Help out other people. 60. Hunt for a new house or apartment. 61. Test-drive new cars. 62. Other_______________. Now, share your top three choices with each other so you both know how best to turn toward each other and accrue points. Warning: Sometimes this exercise generates conflict when we do it as part of our workshop. For example, Dick may say he wants Renee to be there more when it comes to making weekend plans, but Renee claims she already does most of the weekend planning. To avoid this, remember that this exercise is really a way to flatter each other. What you're really telling your spouse is "I love you so much that I want more of you," So be sure to talk about your requests in that spirit. Rather than being critical of what your partner has not done in the past, focus on what you would like to have happen now. That means saying "I'd like it if you stayed with me most of the time at parties" instead of "You always abandon me." The real benefit of this exercise comes when you both look at the three items your partner chose and follow through by committing to do one of them. This should be a firm agreement--in the workshops we actually call it a contract.