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People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. So in the Love Lab my favorite scenes are the very ones that any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor. I know there's deep drama in the little moments: Will they read the Sunday paper together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat lunch? Watching them is suspenseful because I know: Couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married. Those that don't eventually lose their way. The reason for the differing outcome of these marriages is what I've come to call the couple's emotional bank account. Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up all of this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times. 81 The biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn't the cushion it offers when the couple are stressed. As I said, turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways. It's easy to imagine Justine and Michael, the couple who recalled their wedding and courtship with such delight, at a candlelit restaurant. But sit Peter and Cynthia, the couple who couldn't agree on car washing or much of anything else, in the same chairs, and the evening would most likely be a fiasco, filled with accusations, recriminations, or awkward silences. Is your Marriage Primed for Romance? To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false." 1. We enjoy doing small things together (folding laundry, watching TV) T F 2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F 3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F 4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F 5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F 6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F 7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F 8. We just love talking to each other. T F 9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F 10. We always have a lot to say to each other, T F 11. We have a lot of fun together. T F 12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F 82 13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F 14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F 15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F 16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F 17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F 18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner's interests. T F 19. Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time, T F 20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F Scoring: Give yourself one point for each "true" answer. 10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often "there" for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It's those little moments that you rarely think about—when you're shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quickie catch up call while you're both still at work--that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in