darmiyaan

Some couples find it helpful to put these contracts in writing, such as "I, Wendy, agree to join Bill in walking the dog every Monday and Thursday." This may sound stiff and formal, but an official agreement usually has the opposite effect: because it conveys respect for your request, you feel relieved and excited that your spouse is willing to give this to you. No wonder this exercise intensifies the sense of romance! 87 Exercise 2: The Stress-Reducing Conversation Although you can earn points in your emotional bank account during just about any everyday activity listed above, we have found the first one, "Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went," to be the most effective. What this "How was your day, dear?" conversation does (or ought to do) is to help each of you manage the stress in your life that is not caused by your marriage. Learning to do this is crucial to a marriage's long term health, according to research by my colleague Neil Jacob son, Ph.D., of the University of Washington. He has found that one of the key variables in relapse after his own approach to marital therapy is whether stress from other areas of your lives spills over into your relationship. Couples who are overrun by this stress see their marriages relapse, while those who can help each other cope with it keep their marriages strong. Many couples automatically have this sort of calming-down conversation, perhaps at the dinner table or after the kids fall asleep. But too often this discussion does not have the desired effect--it increases your stress levels because you end up feeling frustrated with your spouse for not listening to you, whether you're the one venting or the one who's offering advice. If that's the case, you need to change your approach to these catch up conversations to make sure they help you calm down. For starters, think about the timing of the chat. Some people want to unburden themselves when they're barely through the door. But others need to decompress on their own for a while before they're ready to interact. So wait until you both want to talk. On a typical day, spend twenty to thirty minutes on this conversation. The cardinal rule is that you talk about whatever is on your mind outside of your marriage. This is not the time to discuss any conflicts between you. It's an opportunity to support each other emotionally concerning other areas in your lives. This exercise takes active listening, that classic technique of standard marital therapy, and stands it on its head. The goal of active listening is to hear your spouse's perspective with empathy and without judging him or her. That's all well and good. But this 88 approach usually fails because couples are asked to use it when they are airing their gripes with each other. This is difficult to do and often about as painless as an IRS audit. It's virtually impossible not to feel frightened, hurt, or mad as hell when your spouse is blasting you. But I have found that this same listening technique can be extremely beneficial if you use it during discussions where you are not your spouse's target. In this context, you'll feel far freer to be readily supportive and understanding of your spouse and vice versa. This can only heighten the love and trust you feel. Here are detailed instructions for having this discussion: 1.Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes. 2. Don't give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a solution to your partner's dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you are trivializing or dismissing the problem, which backfires. In effect you're saying, "That's not such a big issue. Why don't you just. ..?" So the cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede odwce. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution. Often times your spouse isn't asking you to come up with a solution at all--just to be a good listener, or offer a ready shoulder to cry on. I have found a significant gender difference when it comes to this rule. Women are more sensitive to advice-giving than are men. In other words, when a wife tells her husband her troubles, she usually reacts very negatively if he tries to give her advice right away Instead she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion. Men are far more tolerant of immediate attempts to problem-solve, so a wife can probably "get away" with some gentle words of wisdom. Still, a man who emotes to his wife about his work troubles would probably prefer that she offer him sympathy rather than a solution. In the workshops, when I tell couples that their role is not to solve each other's problems but to offer support, their relief is almost palpable. Men especially get caught up in thinking that when their wives are upset, their role is to take care of the problem. A huge burden is lifted once they realize that this is not their responsibility and is usually the opposite of what their wives want. It seems almost 89 too good to be true that you earn points by not trying to solve your partner's problems, but that is the case. 3. Show genuine interest. Don't let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say "uh-huh," and so on. 4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know that you empathize: "What a bummer! Id be stressed out, too. I can see why you feel that way." 5. Take your spouse's side. This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don't side with the opposition--this will make your spouse resentful or dejected. If your wife's boss chewed her out for being five minutes late, don't say, "Oh, well, maybe Bob was just having a bad day," And certainly don't say, "Well, you shouldn't have been late.