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Week 2 Monday Thought: I feel a genuine sense of "we" as opposed to "I" in this marriage. Task: Think of one thing that you both have in common. Tuesday Thought: We have the same general beliefs and values. Task: Describe one belief you share. 74 Wednesday Thought: We have common goals. Task: List one such goal. Thursday Thought: My spouse is my best friend. Task: What secret about you does your spouse know? Friday Thought: I get lots of support in this marriage. Task: Think of a time when your spouse was very supportive of you. Week3 Monday Thought: My home is a place to come to get support and reduce stress, Task: List o time when your spouse helped you reduce stress. Tuesday Thought: I can easily recall the time we first met. Task: Describe that first meeting on paper. Wednesday Thought: I remember many details about deciding to get married, Task: Write one sentence describing what you remember. Thursday Thought: I can recall our wedding and honeymoon. Task: Describe one thing about them you enjoyed. Friday Thought: We divide up household chores in a fair way. Task: Describe one way you do this on a regular basis. If you do not do your share, decide on a chore you will take on (such as doing the laundry). Week 4 Monday Thought: We are able to plan well and have a sense of control over our : lives together. Task: Describe one thing you both planned together. 75 Tuesday Thought: I am proud of this marriage. Task: List two things about this marriage that you are you proud of. Wednesday Thought: I am proud of my family. Task: Recall a specific time when you especially felt this pride. Thursday Thought: I don't like things about my partner, but I can live with them. Task: What is one of these minor faults you have adapted to? Friday Thought: This marriage is a lot better than most I have seen. Task: Think of a marriage you know that s awful. Week 5 Monday Thought: was really lucky to meet my spouse. Task: List one benefit that being married to your spouse offers. Tuesday Thought: Marriage is sometimes a struggle, but it's worth it. Task: Think of one difficult time you successfully weathered together. Wednesday Thought: There is a lot of affection between us. Task: Plan a surprise gift for your mate for tonight. Thursday Thought: We are genuinely interested in one another. Task: Think of something to do or talk about that would be interesting. Friday Thought: We find one another to be good companions. Task: Plan an outing together. Week 6 Monday Thought: There is lots of good loving in my marriage. Task: Think of a special trip you took together. 76 Tuesday Thought: My partner is an interesting person. Task: Plan something to ask your mate about that interests both of you. Wednesday Thought: We respond well to each other. Task: Write o love letter to your spouse and mail it. Thursday Thought: If I had it to do over again, I would marry the same person. Task: Plan an anniversary (or other) getaway. Friday Thought: There is lots of mutual respect in my marriage. Task: Consider taking a class together (sailing, ballroom dancing, etc.). Or tell your spouse about a time recent/y when you admired something your spouse did. Week 7 Monday Thought: Sex is usually (or can be) quite satisfying in this marriage. Task: Pan an erotic evening for the two of you, Tuesday Thought: We have come a long way together. Task: Think ofo// you have accomplished as a team. Wednesday Thought: I think we can weather any storm together. Task: Reminisce about having made it through a hard time. Thursday Thought: We enjoy each other's sense of humor. Task: Rent o comedy video to watch together. Friday Thought: My mate can be very cute. Task: Get very dressed up for an elegant evening together. Or if you don't like that kind of thing, plan another kind of evening out you would enjoy. 77 By the end of the seven weeks, you're likely to find that your perspective on your partner and your marriage is far sunnier. Singing each other's praises can only benefit your marriage. But in order to ensure that the gains continue, you need to put your respect and affection to work. In the next chapter you'll do just that, by using them as the foundation for revamping--or reviving—your marriage's sense of romance. 78 79 5 Principle 3: Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away Instead of Away None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar. Our archives are filled if with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, "Wow, look at that boat," and the wife peers over her magazine and says, "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" and the husband grunts. You might think I'd find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary: When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What's really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting--they are turning toward each other. In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn't even look up from her magazine--and if she does, her husband doesn't acknowledge what she says. Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart 80 pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, "Are we out of bleach?" and the husband says, "I don't know. Let me go get some just in case," instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail. It grows when your wife tells you one morning, "I had the worst nightmare last night," and you say, "I'm in a big hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight," instead of "I don't have time." In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away In marriage people periodically make what I call "bids" for their partner's attention, affection, humor, or support.