pata hai

They are not intended only for troubled relationships. If your marriage is stable and happy, working through these exercises is an excellent way to heighten the romance. Exercise 1: “I Appreciate…” From the list below, circle three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still circle just three. (You can circle another three if you choose to do this exercise again.) If you're having difficulty coming up with three, feel free to define the word characteristic very loosely Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can circle it. Now, share your list with your partner. Let him or her know what it is about these traits that you value so highly. In my workshops, I can see the positive benefits of this exercise immediately.The room is filled with warm smiles and laughter. Couples who began the session sitting stiffly and awkwardly suddenly seem relaxed. Just looking at them, you can tell that something they had lost is being regained. The sense of hope that their marriage can be saved is almost palpable. 70 Exercise 2:The History and Philosophy of Your Marriage Most couples are helped all the more by talking about the happy events of their past. Below is a version of the questionnaire that led Rory and Lisa to reconnect with their fondness and admiration for each other. Completing this questionnaire together will bring you face to face, once again, with the early years of your relationship, and help you remember how and why you became a couple. You will need a few hours of uninterrupted time to complete this exercise. You can ask a close friend or relative to serve as interviewer, or you can just read the questions and talk about them together. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions-- they are merely meant to guide you in recalling the love and perspective on marriage that led you to join your lives in the first place. Part One: The History of Your Relathionship 1. Discuss how the two of you met and got together. Was there anything about your spouse that made him or her stand out? What were your first impressions of each other? 2. What do you remember most about the time you were first dating? What stands out? How long did you know each other before you got married? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? Some of the tensions? What types of things did you do together? 3. Talk about how you decided to get married. Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted to marry? Was it an easy decision? Was it a difficult decision? Were you in love? Talk about this time, 4. Do you remember your wedding? Talk to each other about your memories. Did you have a honeymoon? What do you remember about it? 5. What do you remember about the first year you were married? Were there any adjustments you needed to make? 6. What about the transition to becoming parents? Talk to each other about this period of your marriage. What was it like for the two of you? 71 7. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really happy times in your marriage? What is a good time for you as a couple? Has this changed over the years? 8. Many relationships go through periods of ups and downs. Would you say that this is true of your marriage? Can you describe some of these periods? 9. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your marriage? Why do you think you stayed together? How did you get through these difficult times? 10. Have you stopped doing things together that once gave you pleasure? Explore these with one another. Part Two: YourPhilosophy of Marriage 11. Talk to each other about why you think some marriages work while others don't. Decide together who among the couples you know have particularly good marriages and who have particularly bad marriages. What is different about these two marriages? How would you compare your own marriage to each of these couples'? 12. Talk to each other about your parents' marriages. Would you say they were very similar to or different from your own marriage? 13. Make a chart of the history of your marriage, its major turning points, ups and downs. What were the happiest times for you? For your partner? How has your marriage changed over the years? Most couples find that recalling their past together recharges their relationship in the here and now. Answering these questions often reminds couples of the love and great expectations that inspired their decision to marry in the first place. This can give couples who thought their marriage was already over the glimmerings of hope that lead them to struggle on to save their relationship. Just repeating the two exercises above from time to time may be enough to salvage and strengthen your fondness and admiration for each other. But if the negativity is deeply entrenched, a marriage may require a longerterm, more structured approach, which you'll find in the next exercise. 72 Exercise 3: A Seven Week Course Fondness and Admiration This exercise is designed to get you into the habit of thinking positively about your partner when you're apart. If you are angry, stressed, or feeling distant from your spouse, you may tend to focus on his or her negative characteristics. This leads to distressmaintaining thoughts, which in turn leave you feeling ever more distant and isolated in your marriage. This exercise counteracts that tendency by training you to focus your thoughts on your partner's positive characteristics, even if you aren't having such a great day together. For each day below there is a positive statement, or thought, followed by a task. Think about each statement and say it to yourself many times throughout the day while you and your spouse are apart. In some cases the thought may not seem to apply to your spouse or your marriage, especially if your fondness and admiration have dimmed. Keep in mind that the statement does not have to describe the typical state of affairs between you at the present time. If you can think of a single instant or episode where the statement applied, focus on that memory. For example, if you're not feeling overly attracted to your spouse these days, focus on one area of his or her anatomy that does appeal to you. Also be sure to complete the simple task that follows each positive statement. Do the exercise each day, no matter how you happen to be feeling about your relationship or your spouse. Don't stop even if you just had a major blow-up or are feeling very distant from each other. Although this exercise might sound silly or hokey, it is based on a wide body of research into the power of rehearsing positive thoughts. This approach is one of the tenets of cognitive therapy, which has proven highly successful in helping people overcome depression. When people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered--they see everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of hopelessness. But if, overtime, they deliberately accustom their mind to a different, positive way of thinking, the sense of hopelessness can be lifted. 73 This exercise is an experiment in offering the same hope to marriage. What you're really doing is rehearsing a more positive way to think about your partner and your relationship. Like any rehearsal, if you do it often enough, the words (and more importantly, the thoughts) will become second nature. Note: Since most couples spend time apart on Monday through Friday, those are the days that are specified in the schedule below. You can switch the actual days around to better fit your schedule (if, for example, you work on the weekends), as long as you do the exercise five days a week. Week 1 Monday Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner. Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable. Tuesday Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage. Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it. Wednesday Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage. Task: Pick one such time and think about it. Thursday Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner. Task: Think of one physical attribute you like. Friday Thought: My partner has specific qualities that make me proud. Task: Write down one characteristic that makes you proud.