tension lere

relationship. When asked what they used to do when they were dating, they gave each other a brief "help me out here" glance and then sat silently, racking their brains for an answer. Peter couldn't remember a single thing he admired about Cynthia back then. Their marriage was not salvageable. I've found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it's a sign that the marriage needs help. In contrast, when another couple in my newlywed study, Michael and Justine, were asked about their history, they glowed. Their wedding was "perfect," the honeymoon was "fabulous." What's telling isn't just that they feel positive about their early years, but how vivid their memories are. Justine recalls that they had gone to the same high school, he a few years ahead of her. He was a big sports hero. She had such a crush on him that she had clipped his picture from the newspaper and kept it in a scrapbook. (She confessed and showed him the scrapbook on their fourth date.) They met formally a few years later, when she tagged along with his foster sister (a friend of hers) who was going to visit him at college for the weekend. Michael sensed right away that Justine was the one, but he worried that she wouldn't like him. She recounts with a giggle discovering the letter he slipped under her leather purse at the end of that weekend to let her know how he felt about her."I was never very aggressive about chasing women," he says. "She was the first girl I ever actually pursued. That's how I knew something was different about this one." They recall the long walks and talks they had, the letters they wrote every day while he was at school. The only bad part of those days, says Michael, was "being away from Justine. Just missing her a lot."You can hear Justine's fondness, pride, and admiration for 65 Michael when she says, "I thought, "God, if I don't marry this guy, someone else will. I'd better get him while I can."" Michael says, "I would look at other girls, and I didn't want to be with them. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted to become a legal couple and let everybody know how special she is to me. "Justine recalls the unity they felt in dealing with one of his buddies who resented that Justine was taking so much of Michael's time. "He didn't get it that I was giving her my time," Michael says. It won't come as much of a surprise to hear that Michael and Justine continue to be happily married. That's because having a fundamentally positive view of your spouse and your marriage is a powerful buffer when bad times hit. Because they have this reserve of good feeling, Justine and Michael will not have cataclysmic thoughts about separation and divorce each time they have an argument. The antidote to contempt At first, this may all seem obvious to the point of being ridiculous: People who are happily married like eachother. If they didn't, they wouldn't be happily married. But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen. If your mutual fondness and admiration have been completely extinguished, your marriage is in dire trouble. Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship? But there are many couples like Rory and Lisa, whose fondness and admiration have receded to barely detectable levels. Although it seems that the 66 fire is out, some embers still burn. Fanning them is the crucial first step in salvaging such a marriage. Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire To assess the current state of your fondness and admiration system, answer the following: Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false." 1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F 2. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. T F 3. I will often find some way to tell my partner "I love you." T F 4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 5. My partner really respects me. T F 6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F 7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F 10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F 11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F 12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.TF 14. I can easily tell you why I married my partner. T F 15. If I had it all to do over again, I would marry the same person. T F 16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage. T F 19. My spouse generally likes my personality. T F 20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F Scoring: Give yourself one point for each "true" answer. 10 or above: This is an area of strength for your marriage. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have have a high regard for each other, it's 67 common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing the exercises in this chapter from time to time will help you to reaffirm your positive feelings for each other. Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Don't be discouraged by a low score. There are many couples in whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can vastly improve your marriage. If your fondness and admiration are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are.