kisi ke milan ko

" Instead, say "That's so unfair!" The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is everything. When your partner comes to you for emotional support (rather than for advice), your job is not to cast moral judgment or to tell him or her what to do. Your job is to say "poor baby" 6. Express a "we against others" attitude. If your mate is feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together. 7. Express affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say "I love you." 8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Phrases that do this include "Yeah, that is really so sad. That would have me worried, too. I can see why you'd be annoyed about that." Here are two brief examples of a stress-reducing conversation to give you an idea of what to do--and what not to. Don’t: Hank: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today. She keeps challenging my knowledge, and she has been going to the boss telling him that she doubts my competence. I hate her. 90 Wanda: I think this is another example of you Hying off the handle and overreacting.(Criticizing)I have seen her be very constructive and reasonable. Maybe you are just not being sensitive to her concerns. (Siding with the enemy) Hank: The woman is out to get me. Wanda: That's your paranoid streak coming out. You've got to try to control that. (Criticizing) Hank: Oh, forget it. Hank: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today She keeps challenging my knowledge, and she has been going to the boss telling him that she doubts my competence. I hate her. Wanda: I can't believe that woman! She is the meanest fighter and a terrible gossip. (We against others) What did you say? (Showing genuine interest) Hank: I told her she is just out to get me. And that she's not going to succeed. Wanda: She can make anyone become paranoid. I'm sorry she's putting you through this. (Expressing affection) I'd like to get even with her. (We against others) hank: So would I, but I think it'd be better to just forget it. Just ignore her. Wanda: Your boss knows what she's like. Everyone does. Hank: That's true. He doesn't share her opinions of me, and she goes around saying everyone is incompetent but her. Wanda: That's bound to backfire. Hank: I hope so, or she'll give me an ulcer. Wanda: This is really stressing you out! I can understand why (Validating emotions) you know, she's given her husband one. Hank: He has an ulcer? Wanda: I just heard about it. Hank: Good Lord! Below are some sample scenarios to help you practice being supportive during your spouse's whining session. 91 1.Your wife's sister yelled at her for not yet repaying money she loaned her two months ago. Your wife is feeling outraged and hurt by her sister's attitude. (She does owe her sister the money.) You say: 2.Your husband got a speeding ticket on his way home. "It was a speed trap!" he yells. "Everyone was going 80 mph. Why do I have to be the one who gets pulled over?" You say: 3.Your wife was late getting to a big job interview. Now she's worried she won't get the job. "I can't believe how stupid I was," she moans. You say: 4.Your husband asked his boss for a raise and was turned down. He got angry and stormed out of his boss's office. Now he's worried that his boss will hold this against him. You say: Sample Answers: 1. "I'm sorry she made you feel really hurt and angry." (Or "Poor baby") 2. "How outrageous! That's so unfair!" (Or "Poor baby") 3. "You weren't stupid. That could happen to anybody." (Or "Poor baby.") 4. "I understand how you feel," (Or "Poor baby.") One last note: No one knows you better than your spouse. Sometimes advice may be just what you're looking for. The best strategy is to talk about what you'd each like from the other when you're feeling stressed. If your spouse is ranting about the promotion he didn't get, you can say something like "You're obviously really upset about this. How can I help you? Do you need me just to listen, or do you want me to help you brainstorm what to do next?" If you have this sort of conversation every day, it can't help but benefit your marriage. You'll come away with the conviction that 92 your partner is on your side, and that's one of the foundations of a long-lasting friendship. Once your marriage gets set at a more positive leve Once your marriage gets set at a more positive level, it will be harder to knock it off course. it will be harder to knock it off course. As beneficial as turning toward each other can be, it can feel hurtful and rejecting when your spouse does the opposite. Often couples turn away from each other not out of malice but out of mindlessness. They get distracted and start taking each other for granted. Realizing the importance of the little moments and paying more attention to them is enough to solve the problem in many cases. But sometimes there are deeper reasons why couples keep missing each other.