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For example, when one partner rebuffs the other, it could be a sign of hostility over some festering conflict. But I have found that when one spouse regularly feels the other just doesn't connect enough, often the cause is a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence. Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy. There's a wide spectrum of "normal" needs in this area--some people have a greater and more frequent need for connection, others for independence. A marriage can work even if people fall on opposite ends of this spectrum--as long as they are able to understand the reason for their feelings and respect their differences. If they don't, however, hurt feelings are likely to develop. If you feel like your spouse gives you the cold shoulder in little ways throughout the day, or if your spouse's concept of closeness feels more like suffocation to you, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to talk it out. Looking at these moments together will give you greater insight into each other and help you both learn how to give each other what you need. 93 Exercise 3: What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Turn toward You If one of you is feeling rebuffed by the other lately, or overwhelmed by your spouse's need for closeness, you should both fill out the form below and then share your answers. There is no answer key for these questions, they are merely a point of departure for discussions with your spouse. The bottom line of this approach is that there isn't one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you'll find that reconnecting just comes naturally. During this week I felt: 1. Defensive A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 2. Hurt A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 3. Angry A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 4. Sad A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 5. Misunderstood A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 6. Criticized A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 7. Worried A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 8. Righteously A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all indignant 9. Unappreciated A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 10. Unattractive A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 11. Disgusted A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 12. Disapproving A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 13. Like leaving A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 14. Like my opinions A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all didn't matter 15. I had no idea A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all what I was feeling 16. Lonely A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 94 What triggered these feelings? 1. I felt excluded A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 2. I was not A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all important to my spouse 3. I felt cold toward A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all my spouse 4. I definitely felt A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all rejected 5. I was criticized A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all 6. I felt no affection A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all toward my partner 7. I felt that my A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all partner was not attracted to me 8. My sense of A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all dignity was being compromised. 9. My partner A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all was being domineering. 10.I could not A Great Deal Definitely a little Not at all persuade my partner at all. Now that you know what triggered this episode, it's time to see whether your emotional reaction is rooted in your past. Look over your answers to the "Who Am I?" exercise on p. 56. See if you can find connections there between earlier traumas or behavior and the current situation.Use the following checklist to facilitate this search for links between the past and present. 95 These recent feelings about my marriage come from: (check all that apply) _ The way I was treated in my family growing up _ A previous relationship _ Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I've suffered _ My basic fears and insecurities _ Things and events have not yet resolved or put aside _ Unrealized hopes I have _ Ways other people treated me in the past _ Things I have always thought about myself _ Old "nightmares" or "catastrophes" I have worried about After you've read each other's answers above, you will, I hope, come to see that many of your differences are really not matters of "fact."