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We are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and memories. In other words, reality is subjective, which is why your partner's perspective on the past week may be different from yours without either of you being right or wrong about what really happened. In your notebook, write out a short description of your point of view, and then do the same for your partner's perspective. It's natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that distance and loneliness are all your partner's fault. In truth they're nobody's fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit playing some roe (however slight at first) in creating the problem. To do that, read the following list and circle all that apply to you and that may have contributed to the turning away or the feelings of being swamped and smothered recently. (Do not try to do this until you have calmed down physiologically. Follow the steps for self-soothing on page 176 and then let go of thoughts that maintain the distress, thoughts of feeling misunderstood, righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood.) 96 1. I have been very stressed and Yes Definitely Maybe A little irritable 2. I have not expressed much Yes Definitely Maybe A little appreciation toward my spouse 3. I have been overly sensitive Yes Definitely Maybe A little 4. I have been overly critical Yes Definitely Maybe A little 5. I have not shared very much Yes Definitely Maybe A little of my inner world 6. I have been depressed Yes Definitely Maybe A little 7. I would say that I have a chip on YesDefinitely Maybe A little my shoulder 8. I have not been very affectionate Yes Definitely Maybe A little 9. Have not been a very good YesDefinitely Maybe A little listener 10. I have been feeling a bit like Yes Definitely Maybe A little a martyr Overall, my contribution to this mess was: How can I make this better in the future? What one thing could my partner do next time to ovoid this problem? As you work through the exercises above, you'll become more adept at turning toward each other regularly, and the bond of camaraderie with your spouse will deepen. This more profound friendship will be a powerful shield against conflict. It may not forestall every argument, but it can prevent your differences of opinion from overwhelming your relationship. One of the ways friendship does this is by helping to balance the power between husband and wife. 97 When you honor and respect each other, you're usually able to appreciate each other's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. When there's an imbalance of power, there's almost inevitably a great deal of marital distress. My next principle focuses on what can happen if one spouse is unwilling to share power with the other--and how to overcome this difficulty. Although power-mongering is more common in husbands, there are wives who have just as hard a time acceding to their spouse's wishes, so my fourth principle really applies to everybody. 98 99 6 Principle 4: Principle 4: Let Your Partner Let Your Partner Influence You Influence You Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. "Why?" said Phil. "It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty." "True," said Jack, "but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first." Phil gave Jack a withering look."You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?" he asked. "Sure," said Jack. "Don't you?" "Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced," said Phil. "Well," Jack chuckled. "Maybe that's why" Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car. 100 But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat. There was a time when Phil's macho attitude wasn't necessarily a liability for a husband. But our data suggest that this is no longer the case. In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, now in its eighth year, we have found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct. Obviously it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we're not singling out men here. The point of this chapter is not to scold, bash, or insult men. It's certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But my data indicate that the vast majority of wives--even in unstable marriages--already do that. This doesn't mean that they don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often men do not return the favor.