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Whatever that "something" is, marriage counseling, with its emphasis on "good" fighting, doesn't begin to help other couples tap into it. Exploding more myths about marriage The notion that you can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages--but it's hardly the only one. Over the years I've found many other myths that are not only false but potentially destructive to a marriage because they can lead couples down the wrong path or, worse, convince them that their marriage is a hopeless case. Among these common myths: Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. You might assume that people with hang-ups would be ill suited for marriage. But research has found only the weakest connection between run-ofthe-mill neuroses and failing at love. The reason: We all have our crazy buttons—issues we're not totally rational about. But they don't necessarily interfere with marriage. The key to a happy marriage isn't having a "normal" personality but finding someone with whom you mesh. For example, Sam has a problem dealing with authority--he 14 hates having a boss. If he were married to an authoritarian woman who tended to give commands and tried to tell him what to do, the result would be disastrous. But instead he is married to Megan, who treats him like a partner and doesn't try to boss him around. They've been happily married for ten years. Contrast them with another couple who do run into marital problems. Jill has a deep-seated fear of abandonment due to her parents' divorcing when she was very young. Her husband, Wayne, who is truly devoted to her, is a debonair ladies' man who flirts shamelessly at parties. When she complains, he points out that he is 100 percent faithful to her and insists she lighten up and let him enjoy this harmless pleasure. But the threat Jill perceives from his flirtations--and his unwillingness to stop--drives them to separate and eventually divorce. The point is that neuroses don't have to ruin a marriage. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate each other's strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive. Common interests keep you together. That all depends on how you interact while pursuing those interests. One husband and wife who love kayaking may glide smoothly down the water, laughing, talking, and concentrating together. Their love of kayaking enriches and deepens their fondness and interest in each other. Another couple may equally share a love of kayaking but not the same mutual respect. Their travels may be punctuated with "That's not the way to do a J-stroke, you idiot!" or irritated silences. It's hard to see how pursuing their common interest is in the best interest of their marriage. You scratch my back and… Some researchers believe that what distinguishes good marriages from failing ones is that in good marriages spouses respond in kind to positive overtures from the other. In other words, they meet a smile with a smile, a kiss with a kiss. When one helps the other with a chore, the other intentionally 15 reciprocates, and so on. In essence, the couple function with an unwritten agreement to offer recompense for each kind word or deed. In bad marriages this contract has broken down, so that anger and resentment fill the air. By making the floundering couple aware of the need for some such "contract," the theory goes, their interactions could be repaired. But it's really the unhappy marriage where this quid pro quo operates, where each feels the need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom. Happy spouses do not keep tabs on whether their mate is washing the dishes as a payback because they cooked dinner. They just do it because they generally feel positive about their spouse and their relationship. If you find yourself keeping score about some issue with your spouse, that suggests it's an area of tension in your marriage. Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. "Tell it like it is" has become a pervasive attitude. But honesty is not best for all marriages. Plenty of lifelong relationships happily survive even though the couple tend to shove things under the rug. Take Allan and Betty. When Allan gets annoyed at Betty he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing happened. Never in forty years of marriage have they sat down to have a "dialogue" about their relationship. Neither of them could tell you what a "validating" statement is. Yet they will tell you honestly that they are both very satisfied with their marriage and that they love each other deeply, hold the same values, love to fish and travel together, and wish for their children as happy a married life as they have shared. Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to "talk out" their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is necessarily better than the other--as long as the style works for both people. Couples can run into trouble if one partner always wants to talk out a conflict while the other just wants to watch the playoffs. 16 Affairs are the root cause of divorce. In most cases it's the other way around. Problems in the marriage that send the couple on a trajectory to divorce also send one (or both) of them looking for intimate connection outside the marriage. Most marital therapists who write about extramarital affairs find that these trysts are usually not about sex but about seeking friendship, support, understanding, respect, attention, caring, and concern--the kind of things that marriage is supposed to offer. In probably the most reliable survey ever done on divorce, by Lynn Gigy, Ph.D." and Joan Kelly, Ph.D." from the Divorce Mediation Project in Corte Madera, California, 80 percent of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they did not feel loved and appreciated. Only 20 to 27 percent of couples said an extramarital affair was even partially to blame. Men are not biologically "built" for marriage. A corollary to the notion that affairs cause divorce, this theory holds that men are philanderers by nature and are therefore ill suited for monogamy. It's supposedly the law of the jungle--the male of the species looks to create as many offspring as possible, so his allegiance to any one mate remains superficial. Meanwhile the female, given the large task of tending to the young, looks for a single mate who will provide well for her and her children. But whatever natural laws other species follow, among humans the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as on opportunity. Now that so many women work outside the home, the rate of extramarital affairs by women has skyrocketed. According to Annette Lawson, Ph.D. of the University of California, Berkeley's Institute of Human Development, since women have entered the workplace in massive numbers, the number of extramarital affairs of young women now slightly exceeds those of men. Men and women are from different planets. According to a rash of best-selling books, men and women can't get along because males are "from Mars" and females "from Venus." However, 17 successful marriages also comprise respective "aliens." Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them. The determining factor in whether wives feel The determining factor in whether wives feel he determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, satisfied with the sex,romance, and passion in their romance, and passion in their romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality marriage is, by 70 percent, the qualityof the couple's friendship. For men, the determining couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 factor is, by 70percent, the quality of the couple's percent, the quality of the couple's percent, the quality of the couple's friendship. friendship.So men and women come So men and women come So men and women comefrom the from the from the same planet after all. same planet after all. I could go on and on. The point is not just that there are plenty of myths out there about marriage, but that the false information they offer can be disheartening to couples who are desperately trying to make their marriage work. If these myths imply one thing, it's that marriage is an extremely complex, imposing institution that most of us just aren't good enough for. I'm not suggesting that marriage is easy.