apparantly

We all know it takes courage, determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. But once you understand what really makes a marriage tick, saving or safeguarding your own will become simpler. What does make marriage work? The advice I used to give couples earlier in my career was pretty much what you'd hear from virtually any marital therapist--the same old pointers about conflict resolution and communication skills. But after looking squarely at my own data, I had to face the harsh facts: Getting couples to disagree more "nicely" might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn't enough to pump life back into their marriages. The right course for these couples became clear only after I analyzed the interactions of couples whose marriages sailed smoothly through troubled waters. Why was it that these marriages worked so well? Were these couples more intelligent, more stable, or simply 18 more fortunate than the others? Could whatever they had be taught to other couples? It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions. Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, in interests, in family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couples did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable. It took studying hundreds of couples until I finally uncovered the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely I looked at happy marriages the clearer it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas--and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive. You'll learn to identify which of these components are weak spots, or potential weak spots, in your marriage, and to focus your attention where your marriage most needs it. In the chapters ahead we'll fill you in on all the secrets to maintaining (or regaining) a happy marriage, and hold your hand as you apply the techniques to your own marriage. The evidence, please How can I be so confident that doing this will benefit your marriage? Because unlike other approaches to helping couples, mine is based on knowing what makes marriages succeed rather than on what makes them fail. I don't have to guess anymore about why some couples stay so happily married. I know why I have documented just what makes happily married couples different from everybody else. 19 I am confident that the Seven Principles work not just because my data suggest they should, but because the hundreds of couples who attended our workshops so far have confirmed to me that they do. Almost all of these couples came to us because their marriage was in deep distress--some were on the verge of divorce. Many were skeptical that a simple two-day workshop based on the Seven Principles could turn their relationship around. Fortunately their skepticism was unfounded. Our findings indicate that these workshops have made a profound and powerful difference in these couples' lives. Couples who attend my workshop have a Couples who attend my workshop have a relapse rate that's about half relapse rate that's about halfthat from that from that from standard marital therapy. standard marital therapy. When it comes to judging the effectiveness of marital therapy, nine months seems to be the magic number. Usually by then the couples who are going to relapse after therapy already have. Those who retain the benefits of therapy through the first nine months tend to continue them long-term. So we put our workshops to the test by doing an extensive nine-month follow-up of 640 couples. I'm happy to report an astoundingly low relapse rate. The nationwide relapse rate for standard marital therapy is 30 to 50 percent. Our rate is 20 percent. We found that at the beginning of our workshops, 27 percent of couples were at very high risk for divorce. At our three-month followup that proportion was 6.7 percent and at nine months it was 0 percent. But even couples who were not at high risk for divorce were significantly helped by the workshops. Friendship versus fighting At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to each 20 other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. Take the case of hardworking Nathaniel, who runs his own import business and works very long hours. In another marriage, his schedule might be a major liability. But he and his wife Olivia have found ways to stay connected. They talk frequently on the phone during the day. When she has a doctor's appointment, he remembers to call to see how it went. When he has a meeting with an important client, she'll check in to see how it fared. When they have chicken for dinner, she gives him both drumsticks because she knows he likes them best. When he makes blueberry pancakes for the kids Saturday morning, he'll leave the blueberries out of hers because he knows she doesn't like them. Although he's not religious, he accompanies her to church each Sunday because it's important to her.