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This is a parenting “bible” for all of the Parents of Now who are dedicated to elevating the Children of the Future. — Lana Rados, MA, RCC, Individual and Family Counselor www.Lanarados.Com This is the dad and mom’ owner’s manual we continually desire had include our youngsters. — Will Hale, Family Music Entertainer One present our children provide us is that the directions for how to first-class raise them arrive with them. Dr. Shefali Tsabary, in The Conscious Parent, has created a guidebook to assist us find and study these instructions. — Roni Beth Tower, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist Few of us input into the sacred journey of parenthood with the gear important for fulfillment. Instead, we rely on the inaccurate strategies our parents used to elevate us, and we inevitably experience deep ambivalence toward our youngsters. The Conscious Parent gives a detailed map to manual us via the complicated emotional and non secular terrain we are able to traverse in this voyage—each inner and outer. In my thirty-3 years as a discern and expert marriage and child therapist, I even have no longer located a extra profound ebook on parenting. — Estelle Frankel, psychotherapist and creator of Sacred Therapy: Jewish Spiritual Teachings on Emotional Healing & Inner Wholeness What a easy and lovely premise—how releasing for mother and father to feel like they are able to sincerely let go and permit their children simply “be.” It’s humorous— initially I’m reminded of the way traditional Indian dad and mom obsess over which hand their infant makes use of maximum predominantly. They will actually seize utensils out of a young baby’s left hand and area it inside the proper hand due to the fact they equate left-handedness with being unusual and straying from the norm. Clearly, they need to study this e book! — Adrienne Longworth, Third grade instructor inside the IndoCanadian college device Dedication To my husband Oz. My wizard. Acknowledgments Constance Kellough — for having a imaginative and prescient for this book and birthing it with such love, unwavering conviction, and unconditional support. My deepest appreciation. David Robert Ord — on your genius. You are an editor like no other. There are no phrases to specific my gratitude. The many clients I have worked with through the years — for allowing me to enter your lives. My buddies and circle of relatives — for continually being there. You understand who you're and what you mean to me: the arena. My husband Oz and my daughter Maia — words will in no way seize the feeling. Nothing I do or am exists separate out of your presence. Thank You. PREFACE In this ebook Dr Shefali Tsabary describes the significance of compassion in easy, secular phrases, discussing how we are able to learn how to broaden it from our dating with our kids. Although I am 75 years vintage, I nonetheless remember my mother’s spontaneous love and unselfish affection. Thinking approximately it these days nevertheless gives me a sense of peace and internal calm. In our contemporary world one of the challenges we are facing is how to hold an appreciation of that type of unselfish giving at some stage in our lives. When we develop up, our misguided intelligence has a tendency to make us quick-sighted, giving upward thrust to worry, aggression, jealously, anger and frustration, which lessen our potential. When we're born we may not have a clear concept, ‘This is my mom.’ however we've got a spontaneous connection based totally on our simple organic wishes. From our mother’s facet there's also a extremely good pressure to appearance after her toddler’s bodily needs, to comfort and feeding her or him. This has nothing to do with abstract values, but arises obviously because of biology. In my personal constrained revel in, the primary source of all happiness is love and compassion, a experience of kindness and warm-heartedness towards others. If we can be pleasant and trusting towards others, we end up more calm and secure. We lose the feel of worry and suspicion that we regularly feel approximately different humans, either due to the fact we don’t realize them well or because we feel they may be threatening or competing with us in some way. When we are calm and relaxed we are able to make proper use of our thoughts’s capability to assume absolutely, so whatever we do, whether or not we're analyzing or operating, we can be capable of do it higher. Everyone responds positively to kindness. This is obvious to every body who has been a figure. One of the reasons of the near bond between youngsters and parents is the natural kindness that exists among them. From the moment of idea in our mom’s womb until we are able to look after ourselves we obtain great kindness from many extraordinary people, with out which we'd now not live to tell the tale. Reflecting in this and how we are all simply humans, whether we are rich or negative, educated or uneducated, and whether or not we belong to at least one nation, faith, culture or another, may also encourage us to repay the kindness we have received by being kind to others ourselves. July 7, 2010 Note to Parents To parent flawlessly is a mirage. There is no best figure and no perfect baby. The Conscious Parent underscores the demanding situations which might be a natural a part of elevating a baby, absolutely expertise that, as parents, every of us attempts the first-rate we will with the assets we've. The objective of this e book is to illumine how we would pick out and capitalize on the emotional and religious training inherent inside the parenting procedure, so that we will use them for our very own improvement, which in turn will result in the potential to determine more effectively. As part of this approach, we're asked to open ourselves as much as the possibility that our imperfections might also really be our most precious tools for change. There may be times for the duration of the reading of those pages while the fabric stirs uncomfortable emotions. I invite everyone who experiences such emotions actually to pay attention to this energy. Pause on your analyzing and sit with the feelings which might be developing. As you do so, you can find you spontaneously metabolize those feelings. Suddenly what’s being stated begins to make greater experience. The Conscious Parent is written for everyone involved with a baby of any age. Whether you are a single determine, a young grownup who is making plans to have a family or has recently began one, a parent with youngsters of their teens, or a grandparent or infant-care issuer, making a commitment to the overall principles mentioned inside the ebook can convey transformation to each yourself and the kid. If you're suffering to elevate a infant on your personal with little assist, The Conscious Parent may additionally lighten your burden. If you are a guardian who's a full-time infant-care issuer, The Conscious Parent can improve your experience. In the case of people who are able to rent assist with raising their kids, you can discover it beneficial to seek out a person who's committed to the principles set forth in this e book, especially in case your toddler is under six years of age. I stay continually humbled by using the good sized possibility elevating a toddler gives us to shed our antique skin, permit cross of stale patterns, engage new approaches of being, and evolve into a greater conscious discern. Namaste, Shefali Table of Contents CHAPTER 1 A Real Person Like Myself YOU ARE RAISING A SPIRIT THROBBING WITH ITS OWN SIGNATURE PARENTING UNCONSCIOUSLY IS WHERE WE ALL BEGIN TO CONNECT WITH YOUR CHILDREN, FIRST CONNECT WITH YOURSELF YOU CAN BUILD A FEELING OF KINSHIP IN YOUR FAMILY HOW CONSCIOUSNESS CHANGES HOW WE PARENT CHAPTER 2 The Spiritual Reason We Birth Our Children HOW CAN A CHILD AWAKEN AN ADULT? HOW CONSCIOUS PARENTING IS LEARNED A CONSCIOUS PARENT DOESN’T EMERGE OVERNIGHT CHAPTER 3 Release Your Children from the Need for Your Approval ACCEPTANCE IS KEY THERE’S NOTHING PASSIVE ABOUT ACCEPTANCE DON’T PARENT WITH A COOKIE-CUTTER APPROACH YOU WILL ONLY ACCEPT YOUR CHILD TO THE DEGREE YOU ACCEPT YOURSELF CHAPTER 4 A Blow to Our Ego HOW DOES EGO FUNCTION? THE EGO OF IMAGE THE EGO OF PERFECTION THE EGO OF STATUS THE EGO OF CONFORMITY THE EGO OF BEING “IN CONTROL” YOU CAN TRANSITION OUT OF EGO CHAPTER five Is Your Child Growing You Up? FACE UP TO YOUR REACTIVITY DISCOVER YOUR EMOTIONAL INHERITANCE HOW CAN YOU INTEGRATE YOUR PAIN? HOW TO HANDLE YOUR CHILD’S PAIN TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME WHAT IT TAKES TO TAME YOUR ANXIETY CHAPTER 6 Life Is Wise LIFE ITSELF TEACHES US IS IT POSSIBLE TO TRUST LIFE? YOUR CHILD DOESN’T NEED TO EARN YOUR TRUST HOW YOU DRAW MANY OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES TO YOU YOU CAN BREAK FREE OF YOUR UNCONSCIOUSNESS IT’S ALL IN THE INTERPRETATION WE GIVE IT CHAPTER 7 The Challenge of a Lifetime Infancy and the “Terrible Two’s ” THE LESSONS OF INFANCY FOR THE PARENT A JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY A CHANCE TO RECOVER YOUR RHYTHM TODDLERHOOD: A PLANET ALL ITS OWN TODDLERHOOD IS THE TIME TO SOW THE SEEDS OF CONTAINMENT CHAPTER 8 From Center Stage to Supporting Cast A Parent’s Opportunity for Spiritual Growth within the School Years MIDDLE SCHOOL: THE CHALLENGE OF “BEING THERE” FOR OUR CHILDREN HIGH SCHOOL: THE NEED FOR UNEQUIVOCAL ACCEPTANCE WHY IT’S IMPORTANT TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO CONTROL CHAPTER 9 The Insanity of Parenthood THE PARTICULAR ROLE OF THE MOTHER RAISING A CHILD IS AN INVITATION TO SURRENDER TO A DIFFERENT PACE CHAPTER 10 Parent from Wholeness Instead of Your Wounds IF YOU GREW UP FEELING YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH IF YOU LEARNED TO PLEASE OTHERS TO EARN THEIR APPROVAL WERE YOU UNABLE TO BE YOURSELF? “BAD” BEHAVIOR IS REALLY A SEARCH FOR OUR INHERENT GOODNESS YOUR BROKENNESS DOESN’T REFLECT YOUR TRUE BEING CHAPTER 11 A Household Built on Being ARE YOU AWARE THAT ANXIETY IS A FORM OF “DOING?” WHAT’S THE SOURCE OF OUR FEAR OF THE PRESENT? BEYOND LIVING BY “DOING” THE MOMENT IS NOW CHAPTER 12 The Wonder of the Ordinary DO YOU REVEL IN YOUR CHILD’S ORDINARINESS? THE FALLACY OF THE OVERPRODUCTION OF LIFE SURRENDER THE URGENCY TO “DO” BACK TO BASICS A LIFE THAT MIRRORS WHO YOUR CHILD IS CHAPTER 13 Shelve Those Great Expectations HONOR WHO YOUR CHILD IS HOW TO SET THE BAR FOR YOUR CHILD WHAT CAN YOU REALISTICALLY EXPECT OF YOUR CHILD? FOCUS ON THE PROCESS, NOT THE OUTCOME USE THE RIGHT KIND OF PRAISE REALIZE THAT YOUR CHILDREN IMITATE YOU CHAPTER 14 Create a Conscious Space in Your Child’s Life ALLOW ROOM FOR STILLNESS IN YOUR CHILD’S SCHEDULE CREATE A MEANINGFUL NARRATIVE FOR YOUR CHILD WHY EXPRESSING GRATITUDE TO YOUR CHILD IS A POWERFUL PARENTING TOOL CHAPTER 15 Connect to Your Child with Engaged Presence HOW WE UNDERMINE OUR ATTEMPTS TO CONNECT WITH OUR CHILDREN DO YOU VALIDATE YOUR CHILDREN’S BEHAVIOR, OR THEIR BEING? JUST BE THERE CHAPTER 16 How to Handle Your Child’s Mistakes DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY THEY DID WHAT THEY DID? HOW YOU CAN TRANSFORM MISTAKES INTO SPIRITUAL GOLD CELEBRATE YOUR CHILD’S MISTAKES CHAPTER 17 The Two Wings of the Eagle A CHILD CAN’T SOAR WITHOUT CONTAINMENT THE SPIRITUAL APPROACH TO DISCIPLINE DON’T AVOID CONFLICT—VALUE IT HOW TO DISCIPLINE IN A MANNER THAT WORKS THE RULE ABOUT RULES WHY TEACHING IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN PUNISHMENT ACTING OUT REFLECTS UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS DO YOU OWN YOUR PART IN YOUR CHILDREN’S BEHAVIOR? WHY DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN TURN INTO DEFIANT TEENS HEAVY-HANDED TACTICS BACKFIRE HOW TO EXECUTE THE “NO” TIMING IS CRUCIAL AFTERWORD Understanding Our Shared Unconsciousness WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER BECOMING A PARENT WHO IS PRESENT APPENDIX The Consciousness Compass Questions to Ask Ourselves Some Highlights from The Conscious Parent O CHAPTER 1 A Real Person Like Myself ne morning, my daughter shook me from sleep with terrific excitement. “The fairy has left you an amazing gift, ” she whispered. “See what the enamel fairy left you!” I reached beneath the pillow and observed a one dollar be aware, torn down the center in exactly half. Said my daughter, “The fairy left half of a dollar for you, and the other half of is beneath daddy’s pillow.” I become speechless. Simultaneously I determined myself in a quandary. All of these messages approximately “money doesn’t develop on trees” and the way critical it was for my daughter to learn the cost of currency got here flooding into my thoughts. Should I use this possibility to teach her about not wasting money, explaining to her that a dollar observe torn in half of is worthless? I found out that this become a second wherein how I answered could make or destroy my child’s spirit. Thankfully I chose to shelve the lesson and tell her how proud I was of her willingness to be so generous along with her one and most effective dollar. As I thanked the fairy for her bigheartedness and her acute experience of fairness in giving both daddy and myself an equal percentage, my daughter’s eyes replied with a sparkle vivid sufficient to illumine the bedroom. YOU ARE RAISING A SPIRIT THROBBING WITH ITS OWN SIGNATURE Parenthood presents many activities in which we discover ourselves in a warfare among our mind and our heart, which makes elevating a toddler akin to strolling a tightrope. A unmarried out of place response can shrivel a child’s spirit, while the proper remark can inspire them to jump. In each moment, we can choose to make or spoil, foster or reason to freeze up. When our children are just being themselves, they're unconcerned approximately the things we dad and mom so frequently obsess over. How matters look to other people, success, getting in advance—none of those problems that preoccupy adults are a baby’s time table. Instead of enticing the world in an aggravating mental state, children tend to plunge head first into the revel in of existence, willing to chance all. The morning the fairy visited my bedroom, my daughter wasn’t thinking about either the value of money or the egoic trouble of whether or not I could be inspired she had shared her greenback. Neither become she concerned she is probably waking me too early. She became certainly being