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examples of responses to their children that come from ego, in contrast to responses that come from essence. It’s the difference between coming from thought, or from our heart—from the way we imagine things ought to be, or from acceptance of what is. Examples of egoic reactions that emerge from fixation on the outcome of a situation, perfection, zip codes, bank balances, appearance, wealth, or success are: Sermons: “If I were you…” Opinions: “If you ask me…” Judgments: “I like…, ” or, “I don’t like…” Orders: “Don’t be sad, ” “Don’t cry, ” “Don’t be afraid” Control: “If you do this, I will do that, ” or, “I won’t accept you like that.” Examples of responses that flow from essence, which is our authentic being, include: “I see you, ” embracing the individual as they are “I understand you, ” accepting the person as they are “I hear you, ” respecting the person as they are “You are complete just as you are, ” honoring the wholeness within each of us “This moment between us is perfect as it is, ” realizing the wholeness of life itself. Our ego can be activated in a split-second, placing us in its clutches before we even realize what’s happening. We are particularly susceptible to this whenever we discipline our children. If we are in a state of agitation, frustration, or fatigue, chances are we are going to botch the disciplining process. Many of our mistakes when setting boundaries with our children stem from our internal conflict, ambivalence, or tiredness— which is when ego often kicks in the most. We are obligated not to displace our emotional state onto our children, no matter what the provocation. If we are aware of our tendency to come from ego, we will recognize that we are in a fragile state and that our judgment may be askew. Only when we are in a neutral state can we hope to respond to our children’s behavior in the manner it warrants. Whenever we respond to our child, it behooves us to realize that because the child imbibed its sense of identity from us in the first place, we are in fact responding to pieces of our own self that are reflected in the child. This is why we barely see our children for who they are, but imagine them as a “mini me, ” which of course solidifies our ego. We don’t realize it, but most of the time when we think we are responding to our children, we are reacting to the pieces of ourselves that they have internalized. This is the reason we find ourselves overly-identified with our children, their feelings, and their problems. Unable to separate our emotions from theirs, and unable to be objective and rational, we are in reality identifying with something in our own past. In this rather complicated psychological process, we unintentionally squelch our children’s ability to be who they are, binding them to our psyche in a way they don’t need. The undermining of ego that can be initiated by becoming a parent is a wonderful gift for both ourselves and our children. However, it involves passing through a precarious period. When the pillars of our ego begin to crumble, as they have to if we are to raise another spirit consciously, this crumbling takes place in a context in which the foundations of our own true being haven’t yet been built on. This transition phase, which usually takes place between our children’s birth and their early school years, results in a sense of loss followed by confusion. As our children become more independent, we are confronted with the void in our own life—a void that was for so long inhabited by our children, who now seem to need us less and less. This process intensifies in the teen years and especially when our children leave home. As we seek to reinvent ourselves, we find ourselves fearful of who we are going to see in the mirror. For some of us, it has been so long since we thought of ourselves as separate from our children that we are terrified of the idea. Feelings of guilt, sadness, and apprehension well up as we contemplate moving back into the personalized space called “I.” However, if we re-enter the “I” space with a sense of our regenerative potential, we begin to experience our own innate being and at last blossom into who we really are. In all kinds of ways—if we are willing—our children take us into places in our heart we didn’t know existed. In this way, they loosen the grip of our ego and help us expand our sense of our true self, allowing us to access our ability to love unconditionally, live fully in the present moment, and enter the experience of consciousness. What a gift, then, to have our children in our lives so that we can journey together, benefitting each other through the continual exposure of our unconsciousness, coupled with countless opportunities to shift out of ego and into a more authentic way of being. B CHAPTER 5 Is Your Child Growing You Up? eing absorbent, our children soak in all our inanities and insanities. For this reason, we must become aware of the emotions we experience and unduly thrust upon them. We can only teach our children those insights we have inculcated in our own life. If our children see us constantly displacing our feelings onto others and witness how we blame others for the lack we experience in our life, this is how they will live too. If they observe how we invite opportunities for introspection and are readily able to admit our faults, they will learn to be fearless where their flaws are concerned and be able to transcend them. Conscious parenting means that in our interactions with our children, we ask, “Am I dealing with my child in an aware manner or am I being triggered by my past?” The focus is always on us as parents, requiring us to look within and ask, “What am I bringing to this relationship in this moment that is mine to own and not my child’s to receive?” Especially in the early years, parents function as mirrors for their children. Consequently, if you are unable to access your joy, you will be unable to be a mirror of your children’s joy. Thus they are barred from access to an essential aspect of their being. How sad for a child not to be able to enjoy their spontaneously joyous essence! Our consciousness and unconsciousness are transmitted not only by our overt pain, but also in the energy we exude just by our presence, even when we say and do nothing. Thus our children pick up a great deal from how we embrace them each morning, how we react when they break our favorite vase, how we handle ourselves in a traffic accident, how we sitand talk to them, whether we really look at what they show us, and whether we take an interest in what they say. They notice when we intrude on their life with unwarranted questions and demands, and they feel it when we withdraw from them or utter reprimands. They are moved by how we praise their success, but wounded when we put them down for their failures. They are aware of how it feels to be in our presence when we sit in silence with them, and of the energy field of acceptance or rejection they experience around us. Each of these moment-by-moment exchanges transmits either consciousness or unconsciousness. How can you give to your children unless you first allow yourself to be filled from your own well? Unless you are fulfilled, you will use your children to complete you. You will teach them how to live with your unacknowledged fears, your rejected emptiness, your forgotten lies—all the while unaware you are doing so. Such is the power of unacknowledged lostness. FACE UP TO YOUR REACTIVITY Through our children, we get orchestra seats to the complex theatrics of our immaturity, as they evoke powerful emotions in us that can cause us to feel as though we aren’t in control—with all the frustration, insecurity, and angst that accompanies this sensation. Of course, our children don’t “make” us feel this way. They merely awaken our unresolved emotional issues from our childhood. Nevertheless, because our children are vulnerable and mostly powerless, we feel free to blame them for our reactivity. Only by facing up to the fact that it isn’t our children who are the problem, but our own unconsciousness, can transformation come about. How did we become so reactive? Not only do we inherit certain egoic scripts and roles from our family of origin, we also inherit an emotional signature. Beneath every role and script is a unique emotional imprint. This is the case because, as an infant, we are in a state of being, not ego, which means our defenses are unformed and we are susceptible to the emotional energy around us. We energetically interact with our parents’ emotional state, absorbing their emotional imprint, until this energy becomes our own emotional stamp. Unless at some point in our life we become conscious of the emotional energy we have absorbed from our parents, we will inevitably transfer this imprint to our own children. Because we weren’t taught by either our parents or society to access our inner stillness and find the roots of our pain and pleasure within ourselves, we are reactive to external circumstances. Since we didn’t learn to simply observe our emotions, honor them, sit with them, and grow from them, our response to external stimuli became increasingly emotionally toxic, which is the root of our cyclones of drama. When we are raised to suppress our darker emotions, these emotions form a shadow from which we are cut off. When emotions are split from our consciousness, they lie dormant, ready to be activated at a moment’s notice, which is why so many of us erupt out of the blue. Whenever these emotions are triggered by another’s shadow, we find ourselves upset with the person who evoked these emotions in us. Again, let me emphasize that no one could evoke such emotions in us were they not already part of our shadow. Not realizing this, we seek to ease our discomfort at having to confront our shadow by projecting these emotions onto the other. We then see them as the villain in the situation. So afraid are we to face our suppressed emotions that whenever we recognize such emotions in another, we experience hatred, which leads to defiance, victimizing, and in some cases the killing of the individual. Why do parents and children tend to clash once the teen years hit? Why do marriages fall apart? Why do people exhibit racism or commit hate crimes? These things occur when we are split off from our own shadow, our inner pain. For example, if we were bullied as a child, unless we have resolved our own pain, we will be unable to tolerate our children’s pain when they are bullied. In such a situation, we are likely to foster in our children either an inability to handle their emotions, or a belief that under no circumstance must they ever portray themselves as vulnerable. Believing they must appear powerful and in control, they learn to be macho even if they don’t feel strong. In countless subtle ways, our own issues around power and control are imposed on our children. When people and circumstances press our buttons, we can easily begin to believe that life is against us. We adopt a life script of martyrdom, imagining that life “has it in for us” or is “cheating” us in some way, even though life is simply neutral. We may begin to believe that life always deals us a cruel hand. The reality is that there is no enemy “out there.” The person who triggers a reaction in us is just being a person, the situation just a situation. We regard them as an enemy only because of our inability to understand and master our internal shadow, which we project onto them. The more helpful response to being triggered is to recognize your emotional charge as a signal that something is amiss within you. In other words, emotional reactivity is a reason to go inward, focusing on your own growth. Once you realize there are no enemies, only guides to inner growth, all who play a part in your life become mirrors of your forgotten self. Life’s challenges then become emotionally regenerative opportunities. When you encounter a roadblock in your life, whether a person or a situation, instead of seeing it as an enemy to be reacted against, you pause and ask yourself, “What do I perceive I’m lacking?” You recognize that the lack you perceive in your environment arose because of an internal sense of lack. This realization invites you to appreciate the person or situation for their kindness in serving as a mirror of your sense of lack. The split between yourself and the other is then no longer present because it’s not so much about a separate “other, ” even though the person is a separate individual, but is a mirror of your internal state. You realize you brought this spiritual lesson into your life because your essential being desires change in your everyday behavior. Since no other journey is able to evoke more emotional reactivity in us than parenting, to be a parent invites us to treat the reactions our children trigger in us as opportunities for spiritual growth. By bringing our emotional shadow into the spotlight as never before, parenting affords us a wonderful opportunity to tame our reactivity. Indeed, the parenting journey has the potential to be an especiallyregenerative experience for both parent and child, where every moment is a meeting of spirits, and both parent and child appreciate that each dances on a spiritual path that’s unique, holding hands yet alone. Coming from this realization, we respond to each other creatively instead of reacting destructively. DISCOVER YOUR EMOTIONAL INHERITANCE Each of us is triggered on a daily basis by all kinds of things. As parents, we are especially susceptible to being triggered because our children are continually around us and in constant need of us. However, the next time your children trigger a mood in you, instead of reacting out of frustration, sit with your reaction to see what the trigger is about. This willingness to look within, which doesn’t require introspection into the cause of your mood, just the simple awareness that it comes from within your own self and not from the other person’s actions, will enable you to suspend your thoughts long enough to shift out of reactivity and craft a response that’s more grounded. Most of us are able to identify our triggers on a superficial level, such as, “I get triggered when my child disrespects me, ” “I get triggered when my child doesn’t do his homework, ” or “I get triggered when my child dyes her hair.” These are the surface reasons we are triggered. But what in us is actually being triggered? What, on an elemental level, are we experiencing? To be triggered is to be in resistance to whatever may be happening in our life. By reacting, we are saying, “I don’t want this situation; I don’t like the way things are.” In other words, when we resist the way life manifests itself in our children, our intimate partner, or our friends, it’s because we refuse to accept life’s as is form. The reason for this is that the ideal view of ourselves to which we are attached— our ego—is being shaken, which is threatening to us. In this state, we bypass our ability to be resourceful and creative in our response, reacting instead. The manner in which this reaction manifests depends on our unique life scripts, roles, and emotional inheritance. Consciousness means being awake, truly awake, to everything we are experiencing. It involves being able to respond to the reality in front of us as it unfolds in the moment. This reality may not be what we tell ourselves it ought to be, but it is what it is. To be in a state of consciousness means we approach reality with the realization that life just is. We make a conscious choice to flow with the current, without any desire to control it or need for it to be any different from what it is. We chant the mantra, “It is what it is.” This means we parent our children as our children are, not as we might wish them to be. It requires accepting our children in their as is form. I mentioned earlier that when we refuse to accept our reality—be it our children for who they are, or our circumstances—we imagine that if we are angry enough, sad enough, happy enough, or domineering enough, things will somehow change. The opposite is the case. Our inability to embrace our reality in its as is form keeps us stuck. For this reason, not resistance but acceptance of our reality is the first step to changing it. Relinquishingcontrol allows us to engage life from the standpoint of seeking to learn. Indeed, to respond to life in its as is form is how our greatest lessons are learned. The key is to start with what is, not what isn’t. We respond to our children where they are, rather than pushing them to where we want them to be. Do you see the simplicity of embracing the as is of parenting? Even if your children are in pain, distress, or pitching a fit, can you accept this state as natural and therefore whole? Can you recognize the completeness of it, just as it is? Once you have accepted your children’s as is state, even when this means their tantrums, with your acceptance there arises a pause. From this pause emerges an understanding of how to respond, rather than react. Growing up with explosive, pouting, distancing, or otherwise emotionally manipulative parents, a child learns that life is to be dueled with. Situations are to be “managed, ” brought to heel by unleashing our emotions. Our watchwords become, “How dare you?” “How dare it?” and “How dare they?” People who sport such an emotional style carry a heavy sense of entitlement, which causes them to repeatedly tell themselves such things as, “I deserve better.” Believing that life owes them only pleasurable experiences, they attempt to avoid pain at all costs. When life doesn’t comply, they are quick to blame someone else, declaring, “It’s all their fault.” They then assure themselves, “I have a right to be upset!” When the children of parents with this imprint become parents, they are likely to react angrily to their own children. If a child deviates from the parents’ plan for it, marching to its own rhythm instead of abiding by its parents’ decrees, the parent may resort to outrage in order to control the child. Children brought up this way learn fear, not respect. They believe that the only way to effect change is through overpowering others, which leads to raising their own children to one day become dictators themselves, hostile in their reaction to the world, and perhaps even violent. As mentioned earlier, there is of course always the possibility that a child who was totally overpowered by its parents’ rage ends up with such a low sense of worth that, years later, this parent recreates in its own children shades of its abusive, raging parents. Feeling too insecure to claim respect, such a parent then allows its children to become narcissistic, which leads to the parent being overpowered by its own offspring. HOW CAN YOU INTEGRATE YOUR PAIN? Children